Ho'made butter

Part of being Southern is knowing how to make things from scratch so today I'm gonna talk about how to make butter because its one of Fifi's favorite things to do and its so easy you could do it during halftime of the LSU game. As a side note: in this house there are no other college football teams except the ones that LSU beats and if you're a fan of any other team, my condolences to you and also, you are dead to me.

Now let's get down to business.

No, wait. I have another side note. We don't have fancy gadgets here and I can't figure out how to upload the mediocre pictures I took of the butter making process but I like to think I have a way with words so hopefully you can imagine the steps as I explain them. Besides, I never said I was a photographer; I only told you I'm funny and can cook.

You have to start with good, heavy cream. I forbid the use of that ultra-pasteurized grocery store crap, so go out and find a local farmer and give him your money. Use as much cream as you want. I told you we don't measure around here but just know you'll end up with about half that when your butter is made.

Dump the cream into the KitchenAid mixer and turn it on. Voila! That's all you do.

I'm told by people who know these things that you could use a blender if you don't have a KitchenAid or you could also shake up the cream in a jar with a lid for 30 minutes. That last one sounds like a good punishment for your husband when he forgets to take out the trash. I suppose you could also consider it an arm workout but I'm allergic to anything that makes me sweat.

The cream will get real thick first like whipped cream, then it will start to look kinda flat and lumpy. You've got your butter when it all hangs together in one gloriously beautiful yellow wad and the mixer is slingin' what looks like skim milk all over your kitchen.

Now you have to "wash" your butter unless you want it to spoil fast and smell like a big ass pile of gym socks. To wash, take the wad of butter and put it in a bowl filled with ice water. Swish it around some. Squish the butter w your fingers like you're kneading bread. Dump the water. Repeat 2 or 3 more times until your water doesn't get cloudy anymore.

Your ho'made butter keeps in the fridge for a week or in the freezer for 6 months.

Now you can survive the apocalypse because you can just eat butter. You're welcome.