Faith Unhinged

I am going to say some things that terrify me so much I almost don’t want to talk about them. Almost. But if I am to believe that God knows my heart, I must also believe that He isn’t surprised by what I’m going to say. Other people might be surprised, even disappointed, who knows? It doesn’t make them any less real or scary to silence them.

 So first, you need to go read my friend Sara's blog . Go! RUN, NOW! I’ll wait.

.:singing:. OH! I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY. WANNA FEEL THE HEAT WITH SOMEBODY. YEAH, WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY. WITH SOMEBODY WHO LOVES…

 You’re back? Sorry about that.

 Anyway, in her blog, that you read, she talks about how badly she has always wanted to be a missionary. She always wished that God would call her into mission work and she never got the call. Until now. She believes that this is her mission; to live this disease and her faith gracefully, unswervingly and out loud. It is breathtaking. Truly astounding to watch.

 Here’s where it gets real for me. As a child, I was so sensitive to the pain of others. I grew up thinking that I would be most happy serving others less fortunate. As I strayed from faith, I still had that very strong pull but it was too debilitating to be eyeballs deep in other people’s pain when my own heart was crying out from its own pain. The smallest tragedy would send me into a tailspin so you can imagine what the big ones did to me. The Sandy Hook massacre, the wars in Lybia, Tunisia, Egypt and Syria, missing children in my own community- I could not function under the weight of it all. Even small things that had no connection to tragedy made me tear up. I’ve talked about how it felt when I found Bright Blessings. I likened it to the Heavens opening up and angels singing. And it absolutely felt that way. It was the beginning of my faith revival.

 Since then, I have heard reports of human trafficking in the US, girls sold into sex slavery all over the world, women and children objectified by their circumstances, men dying in wars over the democracy they so desire. In these stories of tragedy, we hear stories of heroes. Men and women who fight the injustices with their hearts on their sleeves and their guts bared wide open. It is then that I turn to God and say “Please, please use me that way one day.”

 When I read Sara’s post, it hit me that we’ve prayed to God for the same thing. The difference is she didn’t get exactly what she asked for and she isn’t scared. She finally feels like she is fulfilling her purpose. I, on the other hand, am doing some major backtracking. I’m saying to God “Wait a minute. I want you to use me to free people from physical slavery, not spiritual slavery. I want you to use me to inspire people. I want to stand on a stage somewhere in nice clothes in a nice building in front of people and just talk. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to be in danger. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to wonder if I’ll live to watch my children grow. I want to do it all on my terms, not yours.” But that’s not how it works, is it? God plans things for us better and harder than we ever could have imagined for ourselves.. He uses in ways that we never would have thought possible. He gives us opportunities to be full of light and grace and humility that we wouldn’t have had before. And it scares the shit out of me.

 Faith is hard.

 Faith is uncomfortable.

 Faith hurts sometimes.

 But faith is worth it. Faith can make you whole. Faith can heal your soul, like it has healed mine. Being faithful isn’t always easy. It isn’t always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it seems easier to give up.

 I say all of this because I’m sure sometimes you feel this way, too. I don’t believe God expects us not to feel this way occasionally. I think He knows we will. The question is whether or not we’ll work to overcome it, whether or not we’ll say “No way, not me. I won’t give in to the fear. I will be faithful and keep believing.”

 It’s a tough journey. I am still fighting the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole so that nothing bad ever finds me. I still want to say to God “Please do this on my terms and forget about yours.” But this life wouldn’t be purposeful, it wouldn’t be meaningful and it certainly wouldn’t be as vibrant if everything were on my terms because I have always been my own worst enemy.