Walking

I've been dealing with a lot of questions lately and so I decided to be quiet and try to listen for what I felt like God was trying to tell me. I have had a lot of things going on in some of my close personal relationships and friendships that left me feeling empty. My usual way of dealing with it hasn't been cutting it so I took a step back. I've debated on whether or not to share my entire experience with people who I'm not really close to but I have used this space to write lots of personal things and I feel like God would want me to share all of the details of my walk because I live my sins and my imperfections out loud so I should also live my celebrations that way, too.

When I gave God the room to speak in my life, I came away with a lot of answers to my questions and fulfillment where the emptiness used to exist. My struggles came from allowing myself to compare my walk with God to other people's walk with God. I allowed other people to question my path and my intentions. I allowed their doubt to creep into my thoughts. I allowed myself to be led down a path that I normally refuse to believe in the existence of-the one where people tell you that you have to be different than you are to follow God. The one where they tell you have to do xyz to be a real Christian. In my case, they tell me I have to use nicer words, I have to go to church and elevate a pastor's teachings above my own beliefs because he/she went to seminary and is an expert on the Bible. They tell me I have to teach Fifi how to worship in church or she'll never know how. They tell me I have to condemn the sins of other people that the Bible deems bad. And here I thought, all sins are bad. Here I thought, we are all sinners. Here I thought, God sees all sin the same. Here I thought, He does not see one sin as better or worse than another. They tell me I'm wrong.

 I am here to tell you that God has told me I am not wrong. He has told me that my personal walk with Him is just that-personal. He has told me to stop believing anyone but Him. He has told me to listen to my heart. You know why? Because He gave it to me. He, who breathed life into my heart and soul, who breathed life into my dreams and passions and aspirations has told me that they are valid. I've learned that my faith is fluid. I just go with what feels right and what He tells me on that day. He has a plan for me. It probably includes not swearing so much. He probably has a church for me. He probably has a church for Fifi. I don't deny that those things might one day make me a better Christian. I deny that I should do them on anyone else's timetable but His. I deny the idea that I must change who I am today to be closer to God. I deny that other people know my path better than He does. I deny the organized sale of religion to the masses by people who are dead inside on everyday but Sunday.

 God has told me that He sees me. He sees me in my important moments and He sees me in the mundane moments. He sees me on the days that I lose my schmidt before 9am and on the days that it sets the tone for the entire remainder of the day. He knows that parenting a strong willed, stubborn toddler may very well be the single most trying time of my life. Some days I tell Him I don't know what to do. I need Him to shove me in the right direction. And He does. Because God knows me well and He knows that subtlety doesn't work for me. He knows that I am strong willed and stubborn just like the precious child He blessed me with. And it occurred to me: I should parent Fifi the way Jesus parents me. Know her heart, give her what she needs, be there for her when she's pissed because it isn't what she wanted. Guide her but don't push her unless she asks for it; she hasn't asked yet because she's too young so I'm just going with gentle guidance. Jesus isn't a helicopter parent.  It's why He let me stray and stumble for so long. Why he let me believe I was in charge.

So to you, who are tired and empty, to you who lose your schmidt before 9am everyday for a week, to you who question and doubt, I want to say: God sees you. You don't have to buy the Kool-Aid that everyone's selling. Your heart won't try to sell you anything. You only have to be open and let your heart be flexible to hearing the directions for your right path. Your right may be the wrong one for me and that's okay. You may find peace in church. That may be where you feel God. Go there. Don't allow anyone to question that or take that peace from you. And for those of you who break out in hives at the idea of church, God is everywhere. God delights in our happiness and our joy. Do what makes you joyful and you will find Him there. If you have questions or doubts, don't be scared. God isn't threatened by those things. He expects them and it is okay. Just listen for the answers.