Following

I have been in a pretty unsatisfying place. I feel so much like this work I'm doing is so important and that I have found my calling. That God would have me be here making a space for women. That making room for women to talk about their stories is so vital to changing the world.

Feeling like I'm in my calling should make me happy, right?
 It does, mostly.

But then the other thoughts creep in. Who could I be if I weren't married? Who could I be if I didn't have a child? Why do they need so much from me? Why do they have to cramp my style? I could be out changing the world if it weren't for them. Mothering isn't important. Not important enough. I'll never be the kind of woman who is happy just to do laundry and cook dinner and wipe butts and take care of other people all day. That stuff is for small women. I'm bigger than that. I'm greater than that. I've been taking care of everyone else, everyday, for almost 3 years now. It's time for me to do something for myself and they can just figure it out for themselves.

I know that none of those thoughts were true or rational. I know that I'm currently in an in-between space that is preparation for the bigger dreams I have for my life. I know logically that I can't get to the big stuff without doing the small work first. And yet, I convinced myself that I could get to the big stuff faster if I just devoted enough time to it. If I just came up with something really profound to say on Facebook, if I kept up a running dialogue, if I talked loud enough, I could get there faster. I could get there now. I wouldn't have to do the mundane tasks of mothering all day.

That kind of thinking pretty much blew up in my face.

Marriage is really fucking hard. It's hard even when both people are giving everything to each other. It's 10 times harder when one person has checked out because she thinks she could single-handedly change the world if she were a constant enough presence online. I ended up hearing lots of things I needed to hear tonight, though I wish they had been presented differently. I can't really fault Daniel for snapping. I have pretty much checked out on being a mom or wife because I just know I've got bigger and better things to do.

I really do believe in my big dreams. I really do believe that I can make them happen. I really do believe that together, we, as women, could change the world by talking. By breaking the silence and speaking up. What I lost sight of is the small acts that contribute to world change. Sarah Bessey says in 'Jesus Feminist' that sometimes moving mountains looks like picking up one small stone at a time everyday until finally you realize you've moved that entire mountain.

I lost sight of that.

I got so caught up in wanting to get there tomorrow. I even thought I could get there by myself. I believed in myself and my ability to get me there more than I believed in God's ability to get me there with the right people when I'm actually ready. I became an Israelite walking in the desert for 40 years, complaining about being lost and wanting to get to the Promised Land yesterday. I forgot about the miracles God has performed to get me where I am today. What He has done to rescue me from the chains that enslaved me. Instead, I allowed myself to become enslaved by my own ambition.

I forgot that tomorrow is already written. My future is already taken care of. The God who gave me these big dreams and this big ambition, this extraordinary purpose, defines success a lot differently than we do. Success to God looks like faithfulness. Faithfulness looks like wandering in the desert, following during the uncertainty, and stopping every once in awhile to remember the miracles of the past. To truly appreciate the manna from Heaven during the uncertainty.

I have recognized myself struggling with these in-between days.
I've tried half-heartedly to convince myself that mothering is important.
That Motherhood is ordained by God.
Until tonight, I wasn't really buying it.

I get it now, God. You gave me this beautiful, lovely, smart, fierce daughter. She was a gift to me because she is a part of my legacy. Whatever legacy I leave will be enough because it was written by you. Nobody changes the world alone. And nobody arrives in the Promised Land before it's time.

I'm going to step back and let you do your thing. I'm going to remember that it didn't start with me and it won't end with me. Lots of great women have gone before me. Lots of great women will come after me. I won't get to the Promised Land until you have prepared the place for me. And wandering in the desert, this in-between, uncertain place doesn't mean I'm lost; it only means I am faithfully following.