The Whole Truth Part I

 This post is part of a series of posts that will be coming to you from other women. Some of them will share their names and some of them will choose not to introduce themselves. These posts will be the Whole Truth. Not the Polite Truth or the Warm and Fuzzy Truth. The Whole, sometimes Ugly, Truth. These brave women have decided to come out into the light and talk about the assaults and crimes they have endured and I am so very honored that they would choose to do it here.

Trigger Warning: All of these posts will likely include graphic imagery. Most of the time we can't hear other's stories until we are no longer enslaved by our own, so if you are still on a journey of healing with your own story, these stories may be difficult for you to read.

And without further ado, this is  a friend who has chosen to tell you her Whole Truth without telling you her name.
                                                                                                            

Where to start? Well, let's say I've never had a good male role model growing up. Until I married my wonderful husband, most men around me have been jerk offs.

My birth father used to beat up and abuse my mother and she ended up leaving him when I was eleven years old, my sister was seven and my brother was one. Then, came my stepfather. At first, he was wonderful and everything I could've asked for in a dad, but once I turned 14, everything changed-the way he rubbed me, the way he touched me and the way he hugged me and how he always tried to find a way to be alone with me. I remember one time when I was sick in bed and my mom wasn't home, he snuck into bed with me and started to stick his hands in my underwear. I told him to stop and he did. He would always come up from behind and hug me but also squeeze my breasts at the same time. I was 15 and very confused. I did not like it. I didn't like that feeling and I knew it was wrong but I did not know how to tell my mom; she seemed so happy, content and full of life with him and I didn't want to ruin her happiness.

When I was 16, I remember hanging out with my mom in her bedroom and mentioning something about it. I don't remember my exact wording but I do remember saying something like "he has been grabbing me or touching me." I was in shock when all she told me was that next time it happened to tell him that I didn't like it when he touched me like that. I never brought it up again until two years ago, she said that she had understood me wrong and that she thought that what I meant was that he was a very aggressive hugger, (which he is) and she didn't think much of it. She said I had not expressed to her exactly what was going on. Needless to say, he turned out like my real dad; cheated on my mom several times and beat her up. She ended up leaving him as well.

By then I was already here in the United States living with an aunt, then came jerk number two and three. Oh yeah and four...geez, so many at once. Maybe it was because I was so young and vulnerable and a virgin and knew nothing about sex and relationships.

When I moved in with my aunt, she was married to my uncle and we also had another uncle living with us who was about five years older than me. I had started college because I was advanced for my age and believe it or not, Mexico’s education is actually more advanced. Anywho, I had also started dating someone in college. He was a wonderful boyfriend; loving, caring, thoughtful. He always brought me home on time and he drove a motorcycle. He had his own place that he shared with a roommate but sometimes we would go there and hang out and watch TV. We had no sexual relationship at the time because I didn't want it, I was too scared. He probably grew frustrated, I'm not sure. I don't know, but one day he decided that we were going to have sex and I repeatedly said no. I got to the point that I was literally wrestling him off of me and we fell to the floor. He suddenly lay completely on top of me. I wasn't able to move because of his bodyweight. He grabbed my wrists and tied them to the foot of a heavy metal table and right then and there he took my virginity. He kept telling me that he loved me the whole time while I was crying and bleeding. After that I didn't want to see him ever again. I avoided him even though he kept looking for me and when my aunt asked about him, I told her we had broken up. I never told anyone about it because I felt guilty about the fact that I had disobeyed my aunt when she had previously told me not to go with him to his place and also the fact that he had mentioned to me that losing your virginity wasn't a big deal and no reason to create such a big fuss. I didn't want to feel like I was overreacting so I just left it alone.

Uncle number one, or my aunt’s husband, was a different type of jerk. He never actually touched me but he did harass me a lot. He would tell me that he had sexual dreams about me and when my aunt wasn't around. he would walk around the house in his underwear. When he would drop me off to school, he would talk to me about different ways and proper ways of giving a blow job. When I finally got the strength and courage to mention it to my aunt we ended up getting into an argument about other things, including her daughter, who I used to babysit and she ended up kicking me out of her house. I was so upset I never mentioned it to her; my thought was "Fuck it. It's her husband; she's going to have to live with him." She ended up divorcing him a couple years later because she caught him cheating with some teenager. 

Uncle number two, the one who was about five years older than me, was around 23 years old. He and I used to hang out a lot because we were both young so we would go to concerts and parties together. Me, being the naïve, innocent little Mexican, had never tried anything involving drugs or alcohol. Well one day we decided to go to the Bob Marley festival in Long Beach, California. If you know reggae music you know it involves a lot of pot. Lots of it, clouds everywhere. He kept blowing smoke my way even though I had never tried pot in my life. He also decided to give me alcohol, which again, I had never tried before and I was under age but I thought I was being cool. I got to a point where I was literally stumbling and could barely walk. We ended up grabbing a cab and going home. Now, let me remind you that this is the uncle that also lived with my aunt, at the same time that I was living there so this happened while I was still living there. I was stumbling to my room when he decided to follow me and told me that he wanted to continue hanging out and to listen to some music. By this time I was completely dazed. The only thing I can tell you that I do remember is the song "One" from U2 playing in the background and him telling me that he wanted to slow dance with me. I remember laughing at him and then he threw me on the bed and had sex with me. I kept telling him to stop and "you're my uncle!!" His response was "half uncle! Your mom and I don't have the same dad." Even in my daze, I remember thinking that it was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He was also under the impression that he was taking my virginity because he kept telling me that it was better for me to do it for the first time with somebody that I knew well. But that had already been taken care of by my ex-boyfriend, Jerk-off Number Two.  This time I didn't say anything to anyone because I felt like there was no point. The first time I tried, my mom didn't understand me. The second time, I felt guilty and the third time I tried, my aunt didn't want to listen to me.

I've usually tried not to make a big deal out of it. I never really told my whole story to anybody just little bits and pieces here and there. I felt that it wasn't that big of a deal-that I would get over it. But now, writing and reading it all, I guess it is a lot.

 All of these men are now out of my life. I have not seen any of them in years, but I do know that each and every single one of them has somehow been paid back because they are all miserable.

 I’m okay. I've moved on and now I'm just enjoying my husband and my beautiful baby boy. And I'll make damn sure that along with his daddy's help, he becomes a great guy and a man that I will definitely be proud to call my son. Thanks for reading and being there to listen to each and every one of our stories. I needed this.