Lessons in Faith

I've talked a little here about these crazy ideas I get that I call "personal enrichment projects." They're a way for me to continually stay connected to this new found faith and also a way for me to continually broaden my own horizons because the one thing I fear most about faith is becoming the kind of asshole that I always associated with Christianity.

My friend Anne, from Simply Savvy Supermom, and I talk frequently about how Jesus told us to pick up our crosses and follow him. We talk about the implications of such a statement and we talk about the other things Jesus spoke directly about, which include him telling the disciples to give up everything. These conversations always speak directly to my heart but I usually only think of them in the context of those assholes I never wanted to be who I perceive as not giving up much of anything to follow Jesus.

But, this isn't about those people.
God told me last week to mind my own business and stop trying to do his job for him so I'm working on it.
As a side note here, God talks to me like a sassy old grandma. That's what I hear but I use male pronouns because it's my Baptist showing. Try as I might to rise above the way I was raised, some small things still linger.

So, now, getting to the real point of this post: I believe the reason these talks about picking up our crosses to follow Jesus speak to me because God is saying specifically to me "That means you, girlfriend. It's time to pick it up."

Jesus told his disciples to give up everything. He didn't tell them they could keep their house, their vacation home, their best sandals or tunic. He said give it all up. If we are to consider ourselves modern day disciples, that should speak to us. Crosses are pretty heavy. If our hands are full of too much money, an iPad, our smart phones, the houses we love and are inexplicably attached to, we aren't able to carry much of anything-much less a tree big enough to bear the weight of a man nailed to it. And I'm pretty sure a cross won't fit in the trunk of any car on the market, either. It really doesn't matter if you have a Suburban, a big ass tree ain't fitting in the back for you to carry whenever it's convenient for you.

So my next personal enrichment project is to pick up my cross. To give it all up. To have more faith than ever before. Anne told me about a friend of hers who gives so much of herself and her resources that sometimes she even has to pray for her rent money because she's given it away with such wild and loving abandon. I was breathless for a moment.

I want to be her.
I want to be that faithful.
I want to love Jesus with such wild, reckless abandon that I would give it all up just to be in his presence, to find him in the in between places, the not so affluent places, the scary places, the unsafe places. The places I never imagined he could be found.

I have seen the way God has continuously provided for my Bright Blessings parties even when I least expect it and I have considered it affirmation that I am doing God's work.It's time to sit back and watch Him provide for the other parts of my life while I get down to the business of doing his work everyday. Even on the busy days, the tired days and the irritated days.

During my other "projects," I put a sort of time limit on them. The no clothes for a year thing or the grace one for Good Friday both had limits and I miserably failed at not buying clothes for a year. As far as grace: I'm still working on it. Grace is hard. I know that picking up my cross will be hard, too. I know I will fail a lot. I know that I will question my sanity sometimes but I also know that sometimes blessings are disguised as trials and big faith sometimes takes big leaps.

Anne Lamott says in her book Traveling Mercies that her "coming to faith did not start with a leap but rather a series of staggers from what seemed like one safe place to another." Incidentally, that book was the one that made me take a closer look at Jesus. And until now, I believe my faith has looked a lot like the way she describes it. Glennon Melton talks a lot about just doing the next right thing and that has worked well for me so far. I just try really hard to keep my eyes and ears open and hear God whispering to me from the likely and unlikely places and whatever he tells me to do is what I do next.

Sometimes I don't hear the whispers.
God's okay with that.

He made me to be stubborn and so he knows that sometimes I don't really get subtlety so he just keeps coming back and saying the same thing over and over until I finally get it. This, I believe, is one of those times. He's been telling me for awhile to trust and believe more and I've been desperately trying to retain just a little piece of control over my life; I've not quite been ready to relinquish it all and follow him into the uncertainty.

 I don't really know if I'm ready now but I'm going to try it anyway.
And we shall see where this thing goes.